


Pandora

by Lunnashh



Category: NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-07-19 06:23:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7348726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunnashh/pseuds/Lunnashh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let them think all that because truthfully, sometimes Taeyong would look back on his past and say 'they're right, I'm a failure.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> MY FIRST NCT FIC EHEHE Jaehyun's my fav (look at our multilingual smol soft sweet whitie bb /cries/ pardon my spazzing...) but I wrote this from Taeyong's pov bcs i felt like I could delve deeper into his personality.
> 
> They just debuted for a couple months & I didn't follow SMRookies before so clearly I've not known much about their dynamics/relationships/personalities but I hope you'll enjoy it! (Changmin ilu still).
> 
> Alas, Happy Birthday to our handsome grandpa Lee Taeyong who spits fire with his rap & shakes the ground with his dance.
> 
> (PS. I'm lunnashh @ twitter, pls spazz with me i need more NCT mutuals lmao :"D i also make fanarts~)

 

When people said that Taeyong seemed cold and stoic, like an impenetrable ice fortress, he honestly thought that it'd be better that way. If people didn't approach him, they wouldn't know how in truth he wasn't a man with flaming charisma; just a plain and ordinary guy with too much flaws and fears. 

Let them think of how he was a fucked up kid with no brain-to-mouth filter, let them think how he was dragging his team (his friends his family his parents everyone else) down with his 'track record', let them think he was just a looker without any real talent. Let them think all that because truthfully, sometimes Taeyong would look back on his past and say 'they're right, I'm a failure.'

He wasn't good with words like Doyoung, he wasn't calm and collected like Taeil, he wasn't as optimist as Mark, he wasn't as cheerful as Ten,

And Jaehyun, his dear sweet Jaehyun was just too far out of his league.

 

 ~*~

 

Taeyong hadn't given much thought into his future when he was a teenager. Unlike most of his schoolmates, Taeyong didn't really have any particular dream in mind or a certain school he wanted to get into. He wasn't doing half bad in school but he wasn't that bright either. He had friends but he wasn't that popular either. 'I'm still young, I still have much time' he thought, so Taeyong kinda just let himself float aimlessly.

Towards the end of his sophomore year in highschool, there was this stuffy-looking woman who approached him outside the school gate. She said she was casting for 'talents' for one of the big three agency, and Taeyong absently wondered 'which one? KBS, SBS, MBC?'. She offered an audition date, somewhere downtown, and truthfully Taeyong accepted it only because he had been bored out of his mind that time. When he told his parents, they looked at him weirdly (even his noona had snorted), probably because they were trying to imagine how the unfriendly Taeyong could be a public figure.

Surprisingly, he was accepted. How in the world, Taeyong wasn't sure. He was pretty sure his robotic-hip hop-wannabe moves were more flailing than dancing, but they told him that he had 'potentials' and they were looking forward to seeing him again in the company.

His family threw a little celebration by eating out. They knew that Taeyong was still a little bit unsure, just testing the waters for now, and they were fine with it. And Taeyong was fine with it.

 

 ~*~

 

Shit, was Taeyong's thought when he first stepped into SM's building. His mind was still reeling, he was in the same agency with many of the biggest idols--his idols--in the industry. Shit just got real, was his thought when he saw dozens of other kids also lining up for the rehearsal that day. Boys and girls, some even looked so determined and fired up they were doing this crazy stretches and stuff. Taeyong tried not to let it get to him, 'just let it flow, we'll see how it goes.'

And so, Lee Taeyong began his life as a trainee. He juggled between school and rehearsals, studying in the day and then rushing to the building in the afternoon. One, two, months later, Taeyong found himself half-dancing to his dance routines at random times. Three, four months later, he was starting to genuinely look forward to rehearsals, even in the weekends. Five, six months later, he transferred into School of Performing Arts and met schoolmates with the same likings. Seven, eight months later, his sister fulfilled her promise of buying him a new pair of Nike shoes because he managed to stay for more than half a year. A year later, he realized that, _wow, who knew I could have a purpose in life?_

Being an idol wasn't just a matter of singing and dancing, though. There were a bunch of stuffs they had to learn such as English and other foreign languages, musical instruments lessons, acting and public speaking, it was like going to a second school tailored for the entertainment industry. Trainees, too, come and go. Those who weren't serious from the beginning or failed to progress after a given time were replaced by new talents. Taeyong had at first kept his distance from the other kids, friendly yet never intimate, because he was afraid of getting too close to someone only to have them leaving the agency. It went well for a while.

Until Jaehyun came into his life.

When they first met, Taeyong actually squinted at him because he was so...white. Taeyong immediately labeled him a white-bread prince, judging from his fancy looking coat and nice shoes and shiny hair. Jung Yoonoh was well-mannered, sweet, and shy. He was younger by 2 years, still having his plump baby fats, and Taeyong had this bizzare urge to _bite_ his dimples. And wasn't that creepy.

Jaehyun could dance well, he could sing well, and he was painfully handsome. He lived in America for 4 years, so his English was good. Having lived abroad was kinda like an unofficial plus point for trainees. Bottomline is, Jaehyun was a big threat.

One day, the class was welcoming new trainees from abroad. There was this kid with seagull-shaped eyebrows and another kid with a lot of piercings from Thailand. They were chatting in English with Jaehyun and Taeyong only nodded awkwardly at them in greeting.

 And then, _and then_ Jaehyun turned to him and literally clung onto his arm--like a freaking limpet--and exclaimed, "Taeyong-hyung here is very good at dancing!"

The foreign kids went 'ooh, cool!' but Taeyong was too caught off guard to notice.

"Will you teach us some moves, hyung?" Jaehyun asked shyly. Taeyong frowned hard at him, then at his dimples, and then stuttered out an 'okay.'

Taeyong was suddenly pulled into a current. What started as simply helping the new kids turned into hanging out more with them and the other trainees. There were Lee Minhyung the seagull-eyebrows, Ten Chitthapon from Thai, the hard-boiled Ji Hansol from Busan, Seo Youngho from Chicago, the easy-going Japanese Nakamoto Yuta, and also girls like Wendy from Canada and Kang Seulgi.

Taeyong no longer ate alone in between breaks nor he practiced all by himself in front of the mirrors.

 

~*~

 

The company was going for a new project; basically they were going to expose their trainees under the name SMRookies. It was like a stepping stone for debuting, and everyone worked their asses real hard in order to gain that chance to finally jump into the real deal. There was a stifling tension in the air, resulting from the impending fruition of their long and vigorous training. Whether it'd end well or not, of course, was up to themselves.

Public reacted quite well and soon after, the four (would-be-five) girls debuted as Red Velvet. The Rookies' activities became focused on the boys, on top of the addition of the younger members like Jeno, Donghyuck, Jaemin, and their baby Jisung. For more than a year they stuck together through thick and thin. They went through grueling rehearsals, sometimes for songs or dance numbers that had slim to none chance of seeing the light of the day. They went to various trips when they had free time, shopping or eating or just fooling around to relieve stress. They did tedious shootings and came to learn the harsh--the real--world of the entertainment industry. 

They grew together and laughed together and cried together and fought each other and somewhere along the way Taeyong realized he'd gained a new family.

When it was decided that six of them would debut first, it was like having to graduate separately from your best of friends. Taeyong couldn't forget how Jisung sheepishly came to give each of them a tight hug, how Hansol half-threatened them to keep in touch even with the tight schedules, how Yuta had a rare moment of wisdom and gave them advices gently, how Johnny kept looking on in tearful pride (and Taeyong felt a pang in his heart because didn't Johnny _deserve_ this? If not the most?)

They knew this would happen, yet it still felt bittersweet. At the end of the day, the decision wasn't theirs to make.

"We'll be okay. All of us," Jaehyun had come to him later.

"I know," Taeyong let his body fall on the mattress. Debuting felt so surreal; it seemed so close yet so far.

Jaehyun climbed onto the bed and curled beside him, smiling. It was funny how even with his bigger built Jaehyun could fold himself to fit into Taeyong's arms.

"I'm glad I'm with you, though," Jaehyun said softly against the crook of his neck.

"Why? Because I can cook?"

" _I_ can cook," Jaehyun punched Taeyong's stomach playfully, "No, because I like you and I've known you the longest."

Taeyong had never had anyone say that to him before. _I like you_. He blinked at Jaehyun who had made himself comfortable on his bed. He didn't even think twice before replying, "I'm glad I'm with you too, Jaehyun-ah."

Jaehyun sent him one last blinding smile before closing his eyes and burrowing under the blanket.

Taeyong slept well that night. If his heart was thumping a bit faster and louder, he hoped Jaehyun hadn't noticed.

 

 ~*~

 

Having to live together in the same place, Taeyong learned a lot of things about the kids (not that he was the eldest or their age differences were that big, but Taeyong would forever call them _his_ kids).

Taeil was older than him but this hyung was more content on watching from the sidelines and pushing them forward from behind with his own way. He was a science nerd, and apparently, a romantic. He was also a daily bullying target. He was so soft spoken and patient that most of the time he let his dongsaengs off the hook just because 'they were cute.' He sometimes behaved randomly, catching them all off guard but that made Taeil even more precious.

Ten was like the happy pill of the group. He was bubbly and bright and liked to crack jokes to break the ice. His funny Thai accent actually sounded pleasant and he liked sharing stories and anecdotes about his home country. He might get dramatic and borderline narcissistic once in a while but it was very entertaining nonetheless (although nothing beats his predebut photos shenanigans). He looked all badass with his sideburn and outfits but Taeyong knew how sunshine-y Chittapon Leechaiyapornkul was in real life. They also shared a passion in dancing, it just made them click together so well.

Doyoung had a good sense of moral. He wouldn't hesitate to straighten things up if he thought they were straying too far. Taeyong admired that side of him, although they did bicker like cats and dogs from time to time. Their Alpha Dong was also very diligent and strong-willed. He wasn't afraid to dream big and would work hard to achieve it. He could communicate his thought well with the others even when it ended up seeming abstract. He was good with words, often a spokesperson for the team. Taeyong had always enjoyed spending hours talking with him.

Mark, their maknae, wasn't as quiet as people made him out to be. He was actually a fun guy once you got to know him better. His English was the most fluent beside Johnny's (and Jaehyun's, though he once asked Mark how long is 'a long ass ride' with such seriousness that Mark wanted to both laugh and cry). Mark was also very observant and a good listener. Seeing how he went from their Mickey Mouse Club show to foreign swagger was actually pretty cool and Taeyong liked learning English words from him.

Jaehyun was a literal giant baby. He might look tough from outside but he was a major softie inside. He smiled 24/7, he blushed at even the slightest compliments or vulgar words, and he was such a well mannered prince. Even though he got mischievous every once in a while ('Jaehyun-ah...that's my bread, give it back--Jaehyun-ah...'), it was very endearing. Taeyong liked how Jaehyun seemed to unconsciously link his arms and cling to whoever was nearby. Taeyong liked how thoughtful and considerate Jaehyun was in everything he did; whether it was singing, dancing, cooking, or making the members feel good. Jaehyun was their personal puppy, always there to cheer them up.

Jaehyun who smiled first thing in the morning and even in his slumber. Jaehyun who greeted street cats and random flowerbeds and thanked the Gods whether it was raining hard or scorching hot. Jaehyun who brightened their days with his unintentional aegyo and caring words, always trying his best even in the worst of days.

Jaehyun whose life motto was 'be a bigger person' even when he was, in Taeyong's eyes, already too perfect it hurt.

 

 

And so Taeyong learned that he was, in fact, slowly but surely falling for Jaehyun.

 

~*~

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

They were shouldering new responsibilities and high hopes. Rehearsals were draining and Taeyong felt like puking sometimes, but his friends were there with him, for him.

Jaehyun was there for Taeyong, pressing ice packs against his sore feet and sharing breads (his precious precious breads) and softly chanting 'you can do it, I can do it, we can do it!' and looking at him in awe like Taeyong was the most marvelous thing his eyes had laid upon. Taeyong itch to ask, 'What do you see in me?' A sliver of fear had risen because, in a way, Taeyong didn't want Jaehyun--Jaehyun, most of all--to really see what kind of person he was.

What kind of a hideous, ugly thing he was.

Dread had always been weighing down deep in his chest, no matter how hard Taeyong tried to push it back to the farthest corner of his mind. He knew it would happen, he knew he deserved it.

He knew that sooner or later someone would find out about his past; the evil deeds he'd done and the malicious words he'd spoken, both towards innocent people.

It was their manager who broke the news to Taeyong. His grim face and rigid voice, along with the fact that he herded Taeyong to a 'meeting' with some of the staffs, were telling enough. Taeyong steeled himself for the worst. Would they kick him out? Would they nullify his contract? Would he go to jail? Would he be forced to leave the kids?

He wasn't scolded, no. Just simply reminded that there better be no repeat of it. He could hear the unsaid 'or else'.

Taeyong felt like crawling into a hole under their stares. He could only imagine how it'd feel to actually be the receiving end of their disapproving and dissapointed stares.

Somehow, from the stuffy meeting room and the even more menacing hallways of the agency building, Taeyong found himself standing right back outside the dorm. His manager patted his back, reassuring or perhaps condescending, before leaving the hallway.

Taeyong didn't have the guts to open the door.

Did they know already? What would they think of it? What would they say? What would they do?

'Why didn't you tell us?', 'How dare you hide this from us, had we known...', 'So that's the kind of person you are', 'Stay away from us!' _liar, thief, evil, fucking disgusting scammer--_

"Taeyong-hyung?"

It was Ten who found him frozen in front of the door.

"I'm back," Taeyong said, didn't dare to look at the other in the eyes. Ten was pursing his mouth, missing the usual cheerful curve of his lips.

It was never a good sign.

Taeyong shuffled inside and brushed pass Ten--and everyone else sitting in a circle in the living room. And if _that_ didn't guarantee that they already knew--to make a bee line to his room.

"We cooked dinner..." Jaehyun called weakly.

Taeyong locked the door behind him.

He then fell into a fitful sleep. In his dream, he saw giant shadows of his parents glaring at him. Their faces were distorted as they screamed at him. A girl was crying so hard her tears were drowning the endless space. Taeyong choked and tried to swim but faceless people were pulling his body under--some with hysteric grins and some with angry grimace.

Each and every one of his beloved hyungs and dongsaengs walked away from him. Taeyong reached for Jaehyun, the last one to leave. 'Please don't go, please don't go!' he pleaded.

Jaehyun recoiled from Taeyong's touch like it was burning his skin off. He screamed and screamed and the fear in his eyes was enough to last Taeyong a lifetime of nightmare.

 

~*~

 

Nobody acted out of ordinary, for that Taeyong was glad. He wouldn't be able to handle any blatant pitying stares or comforting words. He wasn't sure how much they were told by the manager, whether it was the gist of it or the whole details. Either way they already knew, and they stayed. If Taeyong noticed some slight changes, he didn't comment on them. Everyone, in their own inconspicuous way, tried to lift his spirit. Taeyong felt moved and yet ashamed at the same time.

He threw himself into intense rehearsals. He danced until his feet were about to fall off, he sang until his throat was sore, he pushed himself to the limit until he'd have no time to think of anything else.

_As long as he had his friends, as long as he had Jaehyun by his side, it would be alright. It would be worth it._

 

"I can't wait to perform in front of our fans," Doyoung grinned at their reflections in the mirror. They were all panting like crazy and sweating like pigs, but similar grins started to appear on all their faces.

"We can be trend setter with those loose baggy  clothes that coordi-noonas showed us," Ten snorted. "I mean that's so _neo_."

"That's called fashion, hyung," Mark drawled with his perfect English.

Taeil laughed and gathered them into a circle. Of prayer, of war cry, maybe both of them. "We'll have a long way to go, guys. But we can do this."

"To the world, here we come."

 

_But would it be worth it for the others?_

 

Taeyong looked at each wonderful person he had been fortunate enough to live with. They were so talented that Taeyong knew they'd have a bright future in front of them. Regardless of him being there or not.

 

_Would one Lee Taeyong be worth it?_

 

Because he seemed to be only garnering hate and dragging his friends down. The very friends he loved that had nothing to do with his very own mistakes. They didn't deserve that.

 

 _One rotten apple would spoil the whole barrel_.

 

He didn't deserve them.

 

"You guys did great," Taeyong patted each of their backs, proud and pained and so overwhelmed with love. "You guys will do great. All of you."

They returned his smile with their own joyful grins, except for Jaehyun.

It was for the best, perhaps.

"Did you go through those comments again?" Jaehyun approached him in the night, worried yet looking ready to scold Taeyong if he was caught red handed. "We told you not to."

Taeyong closed the book he was reading--Nancy The Cat--and didn't mention all those nights he had secretly read those netizens comments under his blanket. Each and every malicious words had haunted him. The names they called him was drilled into his brain that he had begun to wonder if they were true to an extent.

"I didn't," Taeyong motioned at Jaehyun to sit beside him on the bed. "What made you think so?"

Perhaps it was the moment-too-long pause, or perhaps it was just Jaehyun knowing him too well, Jaehyun seemed to catch on his bullshit. "You're looking blue."

"Jaehyun-ah, I need you to listen carefully, okay?"

Jaehyun slowly nodded, looming awkwardly beside Taeyong's bed.

"Regarding this...thing that I did in the past, regarding the future of this group and all of you guys, I-" Taeyong almost swallowed his tongue, forced himself to spit out his words. "I'm willing to leave if you all think it's for the better."

Over the silence in the room, Taeyong could hear someone's laughter from the living room--probably Hansol or Yuta. He could hear the clanking of utensils--probably Taeil cooking dinner, helped by his minions. He could hear the TV playing--explosions and gunshots, probably Johnny then. He could see the shock in Jaehyun's face even when he only dared to steal a glance for two seconds.

"You are serious," Jaehyun sounded like he was daring Taeyong to explain.

"I've done something horrible. And I've been thinking that it's not fair for the rest of you to bear all the brunt while it's solely my own fault," Jaehyun was getting increasingly upset even as Taeyong had been using his most placating tone, as if it'd help soothe the blow.

"Do you want to quit?"

Jaehyun's blunt words put a halt on his frenzied mind. "I don't know..."

"No, you _do_ know, and you _don't_ want to quit," Jaehyun held up his finger, cutting Taeyong from opening his mouth again. "You can overcome this, you always did, hyung."

"I'm not as strong as you think," Taeyong's voice took on a desperate note. _Why can't they understand?_ "You know that my name alone is dragging the whole group down. It's just not worth it, you guys can go far without me. You're talented but most of all you guys have good hearts. It's what's important, Jaehyunnie..."

Ten's voice filtered through the walls, calling that dinner was ready. There were happy exclamations and then the sound of footsteps, most of them hurried. Jaemin was already laughing at something, probably from pestering his hyungs over the food.

"Let's have dinner," Taeyong said in a small voice. Jaehyun's hand was dangling lifelessly when he let go.

The tense atmosphere between Taeyong and Jaehyun was so palpable that the lively chatter in the dining room died down as soon as they both walked in. Jaehyun sullenly scooped rice into his bowl, a deep frown marring his usually placid face to the point that he was scaring everyone else. The elders like Taeil and Hansol sent Taeyong questioning looks, of which Taeyong could only reply with a helpless shrug. He felt bad for dropping the bomb out of nowhere, but he needed to tell everyone sooner rather than later. It was for the best, he chanted in his mind.

There was a tentative silence as they probably expected Jaehyun to throw his plate at Taeyong's face or break out into fits but Jaehyun just sat and glared at his food. Like it had personally offended him. Taeyong sighed and picked up his chopsticks, signaling everyone to follow through and start dinner already. A chorus of murmured 'enjoy your meals', and then dinner progressed in a much slower pace than usual. No one initiated a conversation, no one stole food from other's plates. They chewed and swallowed mechanically, waiting and anticipating. 

Not even halfway done, Jaehyun was already putting down his spoon and pushed his chair back.

"Jaehyun-ah," Taeyong rose from his chair, attempting to apologize.

Jaehyun silenced him with a sharp glare, and for the first time in all these years Taeyong had known the younger, Jaehyun was genuinely furious. Right after Jaehyun stomped back into his room and slammed the door shut with a loud bang, Taeyong collapsed back into his seat.

"What did you do?" Johnny exhaled shakily as if he'd been the one with the short end of the stick.

Taeyong flinched inwardly as all eyes fell upon him. Curious, bordering on accusing, perhaps? 

"Would you like to talk about it?" Yuta offered a smile. Taeyong wanted to, so bad. He didn't know how, however, '...not now,' he mumbled instead. He felt bad for leaving everyone in the dark. "But you go talk to him, yeah?"

There were only few ground rules laid out in their household, simple yet might as well stemming to various aspects in their everyday lives. 1) Respect each other, starting from the simplest like their preferred brands of shampoo and favorite dish to the very core of their group's concept itself--cultural backgrounds and personalities and all. 2) Resolve problems properly. Which was vague at best, not to mention difficult at times, as they were a dozen plus of hormonal and emotional teenage boys. Squabbles and rough housing were inevitable, of course, but at the end of the day they'd stick together.

Taeyong _was_ resolved to straighten things, preferably before the day came to an end. He hated having to sleep with uneasiness hovering at the back of his mind. He hated knowing Jaehyun was upset because of him.

"Jaehyun-ah?" Taeyong knocked on the door. Not exactly locked, because no matter how pissed off someone got, it just wouldn't do to lock their roomates out. Taeyong trusted Jaehyun to downright tell him to haul his ass off if he wasn't feeling up to talk. "May I come in? Please?"

When there was no answer, Taeyong hoped it was permission enough to enter. The room was pitch black but from the light coming from the hallway Taeyong could see Jaehyun lying on his bed, back facing him. The door shut with a soft click. Jaehyun hadn't moved or make a sound to acknowledge his presence, but Taeyong knew he wasn't sleeping.

"Jaehyun..." Taeyong quietly made his way to sit at the edge of Jaehyun's bed, putting as much distance as he could while trying to form the right words to say. "Please tell me what's on your mind."

When Jaehyun flicked the bedside lamp on and turned around, there were no longer any traces of his anger left on his face. Instead he looked...just tired, as if being angry in the first place had sapped all his energy away.

"I'm sorry for throwing it at you suddenly like that," Taeyong started, "I didn't know how to say it to the others, but I needed to get it out of my chest. I went to you first because..."

_Because?_

Because Jaehyun would understand? Because Jaehyun was a good listener? Because he was wise even for such young age? No, not really. Taeyong was stumped. Why did he seek Jaehyun out? Why did he need it to be Jaehyun, first and foremost?

Jaehyun was staring at him, patient, urging ever so softly. He always did that, like when Mark used to confide to him back then with his broken Korean, like when Doyoung would spill his fears about MC-ing in music shows, when Jisung and Jeno would huddle up to him and recount their day at school. Just like when Taeyong would slump beside him after a bumpy road that wavered his resolve, not complaining at the excess spraying of Febreze. Memories came reeling back in vignettes, him and the others and what they had been through and Jaehyun--always Jaehyun.

A shy little kid staring up at him in the practice room, curious. A boy in his crisp yellow uniform, standing tall and proud in his graduation day it made Taeyong's chest constrict with pride. A boy who was adamant to escape curfew so he could hang out with his hyungs, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. His dimpled smiles, even more beautiful than the flowers blooming under Thailand's sunshine. His warm touches that would soothe any pain away. His gleeful laughter at his third birthday cake for that one day, radiating so much joy that Taeyong wished would never run out. His eyes, so loving, always piercing through any facade Taeyong would try to put up.

"Because?" Jaehyun repeated the very word that was resonating in Taeyong's mind.

 _Because it's killing me_ , he wanted to say. At times it felt like lead, heavy and painful deep in his guts. At times it felt like a swarm of butterflies, fluttering in his lungs and threatening to claw its way out of Taeyong's throat. _Because it's you_ , he couldn't quite say.

"I'm hurt, Taeyong-hyung," Jaehyun folded his hands under his pillow, voice nearly muffled.

"I know," Taeyong choked out, "and I'm sorry--"

"But you don't quite understand," Jaehyun tilted his head, regarding Taeyong with a sad look that doubled the guilt Taeyong was feeling. "You put such...little faith in us. Do all these years together with me and the others mean nothing to you?"

Even with no venom in Jaehyun's words, just an honest question, Taeyong was still baffled. "What? No, no--of course not! You, you all are precious to me--"

"Then you should've known that we love you too, hyung," Jaehyun reached out to Taeyong's fingers, tangling them with his and squeezing. "So much, just like you love us."

"Even after this?" Taeyong willed himself to search into Jaehyun's eyes.

He found wonder, tinged with disbelief and--dared he hope--affection. "Yes, because we know you. I know you, Lee Taeyong. The fact that you're still beating yourself up until now and is trying to be a better person everyday says a lot, you know?"

Taeyong had to look away. The warm feeling in his chest was yet again close to bursting. Jaehyun was the only one able to pull him out of his darkest hours.

Jaehyun rose on his elbows, tugging at Taeyong's arm until they both were lying face to face on the bed. The soft sigh he let out was nothing short of affectionate. "People make mistakes, hyung. They don't define us, they make us grow."

"Do you think I deserve people's forgiveness?"

Jaehyun smiled then. A little bit sad, yet determination shone in his glazed eyes. Dead straight into Taeyong's eyes, "You deserve your own forgiveness, Taeyong-hyung. You deserve your peace."

Taeyong heaved in a sob, burying his face in the crown of Jaehyun's hair. Jaehyun curled closer, tucking his head under Taeyong's chin, tangling their legs as if wanting to merge into one. As if saying, _I'm here with you, we'll be okay_. Taeyong didn't let his tears fall for long. The warmth in his arms anchored him, for tonight, for the rest of his days.

By Gods, he didn’t deserve Jaehyun.

 

 

That night Taeyong dreamt of falling.

 

 

Jaehyun was there to catch him.

 

~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished: 18-Dec-2016
> 
> *blows dust*....hiya folks how r u all doin. This is so long overdue but college has been such a major cockblock & I had lost some of my muse /cries./ I'm sorry! Anyway I think the next chap will be the last. Initially I wanted this chap to be the last but I still want to include so many canon moments between em, starting from debut to the most recent ones.
> 
> Getting into NCT fandom have been such a joy in my life tbh. I got to stan such talented boys, I got to meet awesome friends, I HAVE NO REGRETS lmao. 2017 is gonna be awesome I can feel it in my bones......(plus tvxq is coming back lol my dads)
> 
> May 2017 be even more wonderful for us & NCT. Merry Christmas and Happy new year guys!♡
> 
> Comments are ♡  
> Find me on twitter @ lunnashh :D I need more NCT fans in my timeline \\( )/


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY I could finish my first Jaeyong fic!! Shdhfja I'm pretty satisfied with how it is because despite the super duper delay I could incorporate some legit canon jayong moments, from the span of their earlier days till now huhuhu aren't they so beautiful together ;_; Anyway our boys are back with Limitless and boiiii imo it's so lit I can't even...2017 is gonna be great <3

 

_The world used to seem so cold and dark. To your unhearing ears and unseeing eyes, yesterday and today and the days after seemed to interwoven. A torture, a struggle, a mess. The clock was laughing at you, the guilt was eating you, the song was calling to you, so you'd take it slow to an unknown place._

_You open your eyes._

_And now you're finally awake._

_You are not alone._

 

 

Little by little, tension melted away and they eased off into how it used to be. Taeyong found that his days weren't as bleak and he could breathe easier. He stopped shying away from the others, attempting to give back as much love as he was given. He'd never take them for granted. The hype didn't merely affect the six members, as the whole household rooted for them in the countdown to D-day. Not to mention the staffs that had been with them since they were trainees.

"You look even more like a grandpa," Jaehyun twirled Taeyong's hair between his fingers.  The peer he gave Taeil was telling enough that he was thinking 'you too.'

"You look like a poodle," Taeyong tugged a strand of Jaehyun's auburn curls, laughing at the playful teeth-clacking Jaehyun gave him.

Ten's horrified screech of 'where's my hair?' as he was given the mirror would serve as a jest for a long time. Doyoung recorded it for good measure.

Shooting for their MV and teasers was nervewracking. Taeyong felt like a floating head with the plain white background, white hair, and white clothings (but he was told he exuded a 'great' aura). The crimson red light blanketing them at one particular scene really attuned to their song's vibe, in his opinion. Dreamy, almost hellish.

Performing in a small theatre for their fans in Rookies shows was one thing. Performing in a Chinese award show, in front of such huge audience and probably the rest of the world moreover, was a whole different thing. Tension built up like never before. Stifling and exhilarating. Out there, on the humongous stage under the bright blinding lights, Taeyong let his body move on its own. All or nothing.

He still couldn't believe they had made it--flawlessly, people said--even until they were seated back within the audience, facing broad backs of their seniors. Taeyong knew he did some mistakes--a misstep here, an offbeat there, but Taeil shushed him and said they were all so so great and they should be proud. When Jaehyun's fingers started tickling his thigh, drumming absently because he was bored (and because Winwin's translation skill was still too abstract that even Kun was left confused), Taeyong tangled them with his own and gripped tight. Beside him, Jaehyun smiled.

They started having an influx of activities. Performing on music shows and stages and seeing other artists working hard just like them. Meeting fans and looking at them in their eyes and finally able to say 'thank you' firsthand. Landing deals with various brands and endorsing them. Wearing bizzare clothes that somehow worked well for photoshoots. Doing fun radio shows and TV shows and Vlives that let people know more of their group. He didn't mean to slip up and expose that he had a thing for Jaehyun (or his sexy white body) but Heechul was such a supportive sunbae he made them all so comfortable. 

Even with the crazy schedules, Taeyong enjoyed them all. He couldn't believe they got to perform on Dream Concert so soon. He couldn't believe they got to win their first award after debuting for merely a month. He couldn't believe they would be graduating from SMRookies that had united their dreams. He almost couldn't believe they had gone this far, like he expected that things would be too good to be true and blow up at the last moments.

 

 

"Wait, hold my hand, hyung," Jaehyun blindly flung his hand to grab Taeyong's. "I can't believe I'm going bald."

"For the record, you're not actually going bald," Taeyong didn't even wait for Jaehyun to finish his sentence. He could hear the hair stylist's snort behind him and he truly shared the same sentiment. "It's called side shave. I think."

"Why are you not worried?" Jaehyun huffed, letting the stylist fuss over his thick black hair.

"It's just hair, Jaehyunnie. They'll grow back, don't worry."

"Do you--do you think people will like it?" the sound of the buzzer--like those huge lawnmowers-- almost drowned Jaehyun's murmured query, but Taeyong heard it nonetheless.

"Are you kidding? People will still like you even if you're bald."

Jaehyun caught his stare from across the mirror, giving that shy smile where he tucked his chin down and only one of his dimple appeared it was so fucking adorable. Taeyong scooted his salon chair closer to hold Jaehyun's pinky. Later, when they had done the transformations and the gawking over Winwin and Mark's ice cream hair, Jaehyun was grinning ear to ear as he curled his arm around Taeyong's. "Cool, we kinda have couple hairstyles."

"See? Not that bad," Jaehyun's sideshave felt rough under his fingertips, as opposed to his fringes. "How do I look?"

"Like a righteous rebel," Jaehyun laughed.

Embracing summer, they got to wreak havoc and wildly wet on the set of their second MV. Taeyong found new friends in the form of Sam the horse and Thomas the skeleton. As soon as they were done channeling the menacing aura after every takes, they couldn't help but revert back to the curious kids they were, toying over the randomly put trinkets and touching the souvenirs to determine if they were fake. At one point, Yuta was reading a map upside down, Winwin was mopping the floor, and Haechan unfortunately sprayed the lady with a waterhose. It was so funny seeing Jaehyun, looking like a punk dracula with his pale skin and dark red eyeshadows, squatting on the 'backyard' and playing sandcastles with Mark. And the best part? Dancing under the 'rain'. Taeil even slipped at one point. And then they delved back into their previous routines, day by day.

Taeyong wouldn't have it any other way.

 

 

The thing about Jaehyun was, sometimes he'd be an open book yet sometimes he'd have that faraway look where Taeyong couldn't fathom what was going on inside of his mind. He could tell when Jaehyun was hungry (he'd chew the insides of his cheeks and adorn the 'kicked puppy look'), or when he was relaxed (his droopy eyes), or when Jaehyun had something up his sleeves (the corner of his mouth would curl up for the slightest bit). However, when silence seemed to befriend their usually chipper Jaehyun, Taeyong didn't even know how to approach him--whether to approach him or not. If the others were around, they could act as a buffer and Taeyong would be able to pretend it didn't bother him as much.

Something had shifted between them, for that Taeyong was sure. They talked and joked around like usual but there was something brewing beneath them. The touches were tingling moreso than usual, the gazes lingering for longer than it should be, the words whispered like they didn't belong elsewhere.

"I can't believe we're going for a date," Jaehyun played around with Taeyong's backpack, swaying it side to side.

"It's _work_ , Jaehyun-ah," Taeyong smiled in disbelief. Just the day before, Manager had barged into their dorm and announced that two of them would be going to Vietnam. It resulted in an uncanny mix of excitement along with anxiousness on Taeyong's part. Being alone with Jaehyun tended to do that nowadays.

"Ah, I wonder what everyone's doing right now. Feels weird to travel without them," Jaehyun's musings continued to when they'd boarded the plane, cozied up under the blanket and preparing to take off for their three-hour flight. "I hope we can eat some pho and bahn mi. Ten-hyung said they're good."

"I hope so," Taeyong knew it was unlikely. They weren't exactly in for a vacation and they'd be there only for two days at most. "Or we can just go on a date back home."

Jaehyun turned to him, eyes studying something in Taeyong's face so thoroughly it made him feel horribly transparent.

"We'll go watch movies. Eat, shop, whatever you want. Like before," Taeyong tried to casually bring up the time he had went out with Jaehyun just days before their second debut. Taeyong had had no idea where he got the courage to whisk Jaehyun away on that impromptu hangout.

"It was nice," Jaehyun leaned his head on Taeyong's shoulder, sighing as he closed his eyes. "Yes, I'd like that."

When the view outside turned from miniature-like buildings into plain blue dotted with white wisps, Taeyong brushed his lips against Jaehyun's temple.

 

 

"Stop crying," Jaehyun's laugh was halted by a wet sniffle. Down from the stage, out of cameras' watchful lens, they were allowed some moments to bask in the glory of the award they had just won. A once in a lifetime moment for newcomers like them. Another one for the shelf, another reason to improve. "You're making me cry, stop crying."

"Shut up," Taeyong wiped his eyes furiously and held the award tighter in his hands. It was a blur of shaky yet grateful speech, suffocating hugs, and grinning faces of the members. If he could, Taeyong would still be crushing them all to death in his arms. "Shut up. I love you guys, you know that, right?"

Adrenaline had left a sweet contentment coursing through his body. The night was young and for once, Taeyong let himself think he deserved all that he had received.

"You know that, right, Yoonoh-ya?" Taeyong stroked the crown of Jaehyun's head.

Jaehyun tilted his head up, lashes fluttering when Taeyong curled his fingers around Jaehyun's ticklish neck. Maybe it was because of his lenses, but Jaehyun's eyes looked glimmering under the lights.

"I do. Always."

Taeyong closed his eyes and finally, _finally_ let go.

 

 

"Oh, oh, look!" Doyoung almost shoved Winwin aside from sheer excitement at the sight of the first sunrise in the new year. Everyone else paused what they were doing and turned into the faraway horizon like meerkats. A blanket of soft pink around the vibrant sun, a palette of pastel just out of reach, so close yet so far. Mark couldn't stop saying 'oh my god'. Haechan wouldn't stop shutting him up, the insolent brat.

"Quick, make a wish!" Johnny exclaimed, clapping his hands twice and closing his eyes in intense prayer.

"Are you sure it's how this works?" Yuta quipped.

"Sshh! Just do it!"

"Have you made your wish, hyung?" Jaehyun was reaching his arm towards the sun, as if he could grasp it in his palm.

Despite the freezing breeze slapping on his cheeks, Taeyong felt warm. "Not telling you."

Jaehyun pouted at that, and then he shuffled away on the beach until Johnny and Mark and eventually Haechan followed his trail.

Later, in the secure and darkness of their room, Taeyong cradled the back of Jaehyun's nape and pressed their lips together tender and deep. Jaehyun's body melted against him and he gave a soft hum, eyes sliding shut. 

"Actually, Jaehyun-ah, I've already got mine."

 

 

_You've been there. Lonely, tired, wandering, scarred, hoping._

_He took your hand, walking slowly with you, drawing a circle, living and enduring. You've given your whole heart and dreams. You close your eyes and heaven's not in view but he's always there beside you._

_Together, you can be a little happier._

_Together, connected without an end._

_You can't live without him._

 

 

In midst all of his affliction, there had been Jaehyun. Curious, tempted, _tempting_. He was more than solace, more than the sunshines and rainbows or the light at the end of the tunnel.

He was the hope that made it all bearable. He was worth it. Always.

 

 

_We didn't fall apart._

 

 

_Let's be fated, together?_

 

_~*~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished: 10-Jan-2017
> 
> Comments are ♡  
> Find me on tumblr & twitter @ lunnash and let's spazz together! \\(^^)/
> 
> Also, the paragraphs in italics at the beginning and end are lyrics of The 7th Sense and Without U that I tweaked for a bit. Might do more songfics because some songs really have beautiful lyrics~

**Author's Note:**

> First started: 9-May-2016
> 
> Inspiration for the members' personality thanks to this pretty cool tumblr post: http://kpopmbti.tumblr.com/post/145816883096/nct-u-mbti-taeil-infp-taeils-ne-came-as-a-bit


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